An American Carol (2008)--1/5

“An American Carol’s” primary sin is that it’s yet another remake of “A Christmas Carol.” The atypically awful Dickens story supports the scorn of anyone who shows the slightest disinterest in Christmas. Right-wing and otherwise creepy talking points take the place of Christmas in this new film from David Zucker (of “Top Secret!”).

The film is not funny, either.

Chris Farley’s much-less-talented brother Kevin plays Michael Moore dead-ringer Michael Malone. He shares Moore’s anti-war, pro-gay rights, and pro-Cuban healthcare views. Going a bit further, he’s a fat, eternally-hungry slob, hates the troops and America, and wants to abolish the Fourth of July.

“An American Carol” has a demented, sad-if-true, vision of its audience. Conservatives must be unquestioningly militaristic, homophobic, racist, and fans of country music. Honestly, these are presented as positives! Any mention of even a hint of gayness by any character is met with a double-take of disgust or a wink at the audience. The only non-white people in the film are slaves or terrorists (all named “Mohammed Hussein”).

George S. Patton (Kelsey Grammar) visits Michael Malone to show him the consequences of pacifism. During their travels, David Alan Grier shows up as Malone’s slave in a sensationally poorly-conceived scene. See, Abraham Lincoln decided not to fight the CSA. So, of course, today, we have slaves dressed in 1840’s garb, out in the field picking cotton and singing spirituals. The final beat of the scene finds Malone physically disgusted when a slave child of mixed-race calls him “Daddy.” Never mind slavery, the real tragic legacy of pacifism is interracial relationships. Seriously, WTF?

At a ceremony, Paris Hilton and Simon Rex (remember him?) present Malone with the Leni Riefenstahl Documentary Award. Sadly, this singular approach towards an actually funny idea kind of backfires. In the world of “An American Carol,” Malone would be canonized if he made the über-patriotic, conformist, war porn of Riefenstahl. Come to think of it, such a film would look a lot like “An American Carol.”